On Friday, a raven arrived at the Ed Sullivan Theater and supplied Late Show host Stephen Colbert with a scroll containing leaked Game of Thrones details.
While the HBO hackers (whose communiqués are full of odd, flowery language) have still not been identified, he has an idea of where the intellectual property cops should start: “Look for someone who double-majored in computer science and terrible poetry.”
He then opened the scroll and shared his very own “Song of Leaks and Spoilers” (a play on the first George R.R. Martin book A Song of Ice and Fire), spilling several unconfirmable deets.
1. “The White Walkers come through the wall, turn to the camera and say, ‘We are a ham-fisted allegory for climate change.'”
2. “Ed Sheeran doesn’t show up again but there is a scene where all of Mumford and Sons get eaten by a bear.”
3. “Daenerys flies her dragon 88 miles an hour and travels back in time with Michael J. Fox to stop her father from being murdered.”
4. “All of the main characters die before the last episode and the finale is just an hour of people farming.”
5. “The last line of the series is, ‘We call it a Game of Thrones. You call it musical chairs. It’s a regional thing, like soda and pop.'”
6. “Next season, the series changes its name to the more honest title Lord of the Rings With Butt Stuff.”
Hey, if anyone is allowed to make that comparison, it’s Colbert, one of the biggest J.R.R. Tolkien fans in the known universe.
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