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Hard-Partying Spring Break Grandma

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned from infomercials — and my embarrassing TV Land habit — it’s that growing old doesn’t need to be sad or boring. Can’t get out of the bath? There’s a product for that. Need help getting up stairs? You can buy an actual chair that will slide you from one floor to the next. Got lots of money and a desire to spite your greedy family? Hire a young nurse to help you get dressed in the morning and get undressed at night! The possibilities are literally endless. Getting old sounds awesome!

But no one is doing their golden years quite like Doreen Grett.

Let’s be real: Before this morning, I’d envisioned my own retirement as involving overalls, an aluminum cane, and a whole lot of obscenities hurled at children on my lawn. Now that I’ve witnessed Doreen, however, I only want to do one thing: get old, go on spring break, and do shots with college students who will willingly pay for my alcohol in return for photos of me getting turnt at their parties. Hey, that’s three things, but what do I care? Doreen’s already taught me to live in the moment and not give a bleep about society’s rules.



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