I’m sorry for the way we fell both in, and out. Maybe we weren’t ready. Maybe we were wrong for each other. Maybe we fell too hard, too soon, too carelessly. Maybe what we had wasn’t real, or real enough. Maybe when we opened ourselves we didn’t think of the possibilities, of the promises we were unintentionally making, of the ways we would inevitably let one another down.
I’m sorry for the way we didn’t make it. For the words that fell short, for the actions that were never followed through, for the moments we shared that didn’t become anything more. For the way we gave up our fight.
I’m sorry for walking away. Sometimes I still wonder if I made the right choice, if leaving you was the answer to all the present pain, and pain to come. I wish it didn’t have to end the way it did, but sometimes, when I think about how we faded, how we grew apart with time and distance, I wonder if I did make the right choice. Because you could have reached, could have tried, could have stopped me from taking those steps away from you. But you didn’t. And I’m sorry, for both of us.
I’m sorry for all the words I haven’t said until now. For the confessions I should have shared that night I first hung up the phone. For the truths I should have told you, that I was moving on, that I was learning to unlove you, that I was happy now. I should have been honest. Should have whispered ‘I love you’ when you first turned away. Should have, could have, didn’t. And here we are.
I’m sorry for all the ways I couldn’t be what you needed me to be. I’m still not sure what it is, but there was something I was missing. There was some piece of our puzzle that just wasn’t a match. There was a part of me you wanted that I could never give. Something about me that never measured up, never made sense, never fell into rhythm with the beating of your heart. I hope you find what you’re looking for in someone else. I hope she makes you feel alive in ways I never did.
I’m sorry for letting our love destroy me. For putting you on too high of a pedestal, for making you the center of my universe, for forgetting who I was and what I needed. Forgetting that I was so deserving of all the love I had given you.
I’m sorry for taking so long to let you go. For keeping us both from finding someone new, for holding our hearts hostage to the past, for not giving us the freedom to kiss lips that didn’t taste like one another’s.
I’m sorry for ever allowing myself to believe I wasn’t enough. Because that has been my greatest lesson. Not that you didn’t love me, but that you couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved, that you couldn’t give your all to me, as I did for you. And how, for the longest time, I thought that was my fault.
I’m sorry for how long it’s taken me to do this. To say goodbye, to move on, to finally leave you in my past, leave us both with freedom and memories. So much time has passed and it’s unfair to cling to the familiar for only that reason. I wish you happiness, love, joy, and fondness when you remember me.
I hope you know I’m not sorry for loving you, but this is me finally letting you go.
Marisa Donnelly is a poet and author of the book, Somewhere on a Highway, available here.